This is a hard one to write. It isn’t something I like to own up to. It is about fear.

For almost 3 years, I have had terrible pain in my shoulder/scapula area. At first I thought it was a shoulder issue but learned that it came from having 3 herniated discs in my cervical spine. I have been to many doctors and practitioners; the pain is easier than the first half year, but pretty unchanged for the last 2 years.

The actual pain is hard to deal with, and the physical limitations permeate my life. This is coming off of over a decade dealing with knee pain and its limitations. I am otherwise very healthy, just turned 56 yesterday, and as active as I can be. My blessing is walking, walking 2 to 5 miles every day, even through the winter months. Only giving myself a break and staying inside when the wind chill was in the itty bitty numbers.

Fear. About fear. I know that a certain amount of fear is useful, it is information: Don’t do that for it will bring on more pain. But I have fear of not ever healing, fear of endless limitations, fear of not being able to dance freely or look up at the night sky or wash my bathtub without increasing the pain, fear of the roller coaster of trying to find the right doctor or healer, fear of there not being the right doctor or healer, fear of the depression that accompanies chronic pain, fear of anyone knowing of the depression, fear of not having the strength to fill my cup half full every day, fear of my adult children knowing how much pain I live with, fear of…, fear of…. fear of fear.

“To fear is one thing. To let fear grab you by the tail and swing you around is another.”  Katherine Paterson

Obviously, this is way past the “fear as information” stuff. We are into the debilitating stuff, the fear that makes you crazy, and obviously, creates tension: Hence, more pain.

My fears need to see the light of day. I saw my reiki/reflexology lady yesterday. Mary Ann is a goddess in my life. My favorite part is in the beginning, when she says,” You don’t have to do anything. No to-do lists. I am here to take care of you.” Ahhhh. Yesterday we spoke a lot about fear. When she was touching me and directing my breath, she touched the center of my chest and said to visualize wings emanating from that spot, light and beautiful wings. I saw them. They were luminous. They felt healthy and weightless, moving effortlessly. I am creating a meditation around this: breathing into my luminous wings.

Fear feels helpless. I don’t know who to turn to to find healing. Fear feels angry. Didn’t I pay my dues with the years of knee pain and multiple surgeries? Why more years of debilitation? Will it end? When will it end?

My work, in this moment, is to take the energy that is tied up in fear and use it to move forward. Even if I find more dead ends, I have to more forward, make more appointments, take risks, find healing. Somebody has to be in charge here and it can’t be Fear.

“I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise.”               Dawna Markova

My work is cut out for me. Maybe the flip side of fear is courage.