Baptism of fire, I never knew what that meant…But now the flames are rising higher, I guess I haven’t seen anything yet. Because it’s coming down around me and I am rising up…Like a phoenix from the ashes, wings across the blue… The only way out is through.[from songwriter Julie Snow but I know it from local singer, Lui Collins]

I once wrote about envisioning bottoming out as if the bottom were rubber, bouncy. When I hit bottom, rather than going splat, I bounce back up and move on. Not that I so totally bottomed out while ensconced in my fears, but it wasn’t pretty. I have taught myself that crying can be useful, not that I actually cry very often. Sometimes I have to release the fears, worries, anger, the pent up junk; sometimes I have to get into the crying in order to be able to identify what is behind the tears. There is something to learn here. What has gotten under my skin? What do I need to do to change this situation? (I do prefer laughter for an everyday kind of release)

I knew that my fears had to be transformed into courage, and into action. And here I am. I have entered a new phase of dealing with my back issues. I have done so many kinds of therapy, traditional and holistic, but I remain in pretty unrelenting pain. Time to call upon my resources and take action. This week, a new MRI; what has changed in my spine since 2 1/2 years ago with the last round? Then, an appointment with a neurosurgeon not far away, and if that doesn’t lead me to answers, then a neurosurgeon in Boston. It’s a plan! I not only called upon my medical resources, but you know, just writing about my fears, the outpouring of comfort and support from my friends helped me relax and from a less-panicky place, be able to move forward.

The process of transforming fear isn’t pretending that we have no fear, but embracing fear as a tool for learning and growth.     Kay Gilley

Today I am calm. Today I am hopeful. I have a plan. It isn’t all sugar and spice. I have plenty of pain and I worry that this round of doctors will be fruitless, but I am not in a panic. One foot in front of the other. The roller coaster of life.  Juliana wrote about roller coasters the other day. She said you can either white-knuckle it and yell OHSHITOHSHITOHSHIT (which is a direct quote of her mother, as I was the one yelling this in her delicate young ears at Busch Gardens) or you can throw your hands up in the air and yell YAHOO!!!! Take your pick.