Sticks and Stones
Adages get embedded in society and our psyches. That does not make them true. Bullying is in the local news in the wake of a 15 year old, Phoebe Prince, committing suicide. No one threw sticks or stones at this girl, but words, especially cyber-bullying, hurt her so much that she couldn’t live with the barrage of meanness.
Words have power. I imagine cruel words coming at me, and I recoil and shrink into myself. Or lash out. Then I imagine someone saying something kind, and I picture myself opening and relaxing and breathing it in. And respond in kind.
Kind words can be short and easy to speak but their echoes are truly endless.—Mother Teresa.
Let’s stick to the positive side of this equation and its value. On days when I feel more spiritual, whatever that means, I would say that words align with power in the universe. When I use optimistic words, the universe gives me a kick in the positive direction of my thoughts. “Here, Katie, go that way, into hope and light and love!” Other days, I am more pragmatic, but either way, I try to find ways to support myself in a positive light.
Positive thoughts from within: what do I say to myself when I first start forming words in the morning? I actually make a practice of paying attention to this. There is a world of difference between grumping about the day to come and naming what I am looking forward to. Likewise for the end of the day. I started a ritual with my boyfriend early on in our relationship. Just before going to sleep, we ask each other, what are you grateful for today? Jeff tends to list everything he has eaten! And then say something about his beloved daughters, something about work, for our shared evening. About me. I name the little things of my day that brought me joy or insight; my own daughters, emails with my 91 year old mom, sunshine, walking with a friend, having someone to cook for (who will then list exactly what I made in his own gratitude list), for having loving friendships. This ritual felt forced when we started. Now it is expected, necessary. It is holy. It is how we end our day.
Positve thoughts from outside, aka, praise: first, I have to recommend that you check out Juliana’s blog from today, “Oh! Thank you!” http://keepitlocking.blogspot.com/ She, and I, would say that while it isn’t healthy to have all one’s self worth fully attached to outside opinions, it is of great value. We learn about what we are doing well. We hear what people like about us. Feedback, given in a kind way, also teaches us how to do better. Pretty basic stuff: praise the small stuff (I like way you really listened to me even though you were upset) elicits more of same. When my girls were little, I read a transformational book called, “How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk,” by two moms, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. I am grateful for having had this book in my life! Their big premise is that if you treat your child with kindness and respect, you will raise kids in a healthy environment. I live by this premise, every day, not just with my kids or kids, in general, but with everyone. It appears that this parenting style worked well. I have amazing, self-assured, powerful daughters. Demeaning words, I believe, can do great harm. I love Juliana’s laughing at me one time. She had just graduated from MIT in Material Science and after graduation, was devoting herself to ballet while working as a waitress to pay the bills. In real honesty, I told her that she would be a really good waitress (she is poised, physically coordinated and has a phenomenal memory… all useful). She couldn’t believe that doing something as ordinary as waitressing, after getting this hotsy totsy degree, would lend to finding something to praise. But it did! That’s how I operate. You can be sure that if there is something positive to say, I will seek it out and put it out there.
Juliana also wrote on the art of accepting praise. It takes practice, it is a “practice,” to hear praise, take it in, appreciate it, and as she said, respond with, “Oh! Thank you!” Hear the compliment and soak it up like warm sunshine permeating your skin.
Kindness in words creates confidence, kindness in thinking creates profoundness, and kindness in giving creates love. Lao Tzu
And as Juliana says: Give praise generously, receive praise easily, and do remember that your most important teacher is still you!!
Dying. I can’t believe you just quoted me next to Lao Tzu. Thank you?!? Hehe. We ARE on the same page, though, and I love the ideas in this post.
How many mother/daughters connect through their blogs? And do so so beautifully, eh???
I just LOVE that book! “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk” is one of my all-time favorite books. I recommend it every time I do a Cooperative Play Staff Development Training with teachers or pre-school staff. I recommend it again on a printed hand-out I give them. I recommend it on my website. In fact, I just plain recommend it. Anyone who works with or has kids should be required to read that book. And guess what? It works great with adults, too!
And they wrote a sequel aimed at teachers called “How To Talk So Kids Can Learn”.
Hi Trevor! There is also “Siblings without Rivalry” which I “used” liberally. It goes a long way to avoid bullying behavior between kids, siblings or otherwise. There are wise people out there, and wise people we meet every day. I love learning new things, as often as possible, from the teachers we find along the way. Like you! Like my Juliana! Like….
Yup, “Siblings Without Rivalry” is a wonderfully useful book. It, too, is on my Recommended Reading List, as is “Keeping the Peace: Practicing Cooperation and Conflict Resolution With Preschoolers” by Susanne Wichert, “Parent Effectiveness Training” by Dr. Thomas Gordon, and “The Win/Win Way” by Lucy Beale & Rick Fields. Unlike the others which are all about cooperation with children, this last one is about adults “transforming American business and life”.
Thanks, Trevor, for the recommended reading! Of course, as we both know, it is easy to shift from parent/child to person/person but important to also include workplace communication in that. In my book, it is ALL about communication!